Alecia Tolver on Identity, Leadership, and Legacy

Intro: Broadcasting live from the Business RadioX Studios in Houston, Texas. It’s time for Houston Business Radio. Now, here’s your host.

Trisha Stetzel: Hello, Houston. Trisha Stetzel here bringing you another episode of Houston Business Radio. Beyond the Uniform Series, I am so excited to introduce you to someone very special to me and so excited I finally got her on the show. Alecia Tolver, a certified business and executive coach with Focal Point Coaching, a 20 year U.S. Army veteran and a passionate advocate for transitioning service members, military spouses and the military community. After two decades of military service, leading soldiers, accomplishing missions, and developing leaders, Alecia discovered firsthand that one of the greatest challenges veterans face isn’t whether they can lead, it’s learning how to communicate the value they’ve always possessed in a civilian world that doesn’t always understand military experience. Today, Alecia helps veterans, military spouses, and professionals navigate career transitions, leadership growth, and personal transformation as an American Corporate Partners ambassador and recruit military ambassador for the Washington, DC area. She connects military talent with meaningful careers, mentorship, and opportunities to thrive after service. What makes Alecia’s work especially powerful is her belief that transitioning from the military isn’t about starting over. It’s about stepping into the next chapter of a legacy that was already being built. She helps people move from feeling overlooked to becoming undeniable, embracing their strengths, their leadership, and their authentic identity. She’s a proud wife, mother, coach, and servant leader Alecia believes the boldest move any one of us can make is fully stepping into who we were created to be. Alecia, welcome to the show.

Alecia Tolver: Thank you for having me, Trisha. I’m so happy to be here with you.

Trisha Stetzel: I’m super excited. I finally got you.

Alecia Tolver: Here.

Trisha Stetzel: Because I want to talk a lot about Alecia, but I would love for you to tell us a little bit more about who you are before we get started.

Alecia Tolver: So I tell everyone I fill my cup with faith, family, integrity, love, loyalty, and service, and then I shine my light in all of these roles that I wear, I do, and all these hats that I wear as a grown woman of God. First a wife to Andre and my two beautiful children that are so full of energy and people are like, ah, I wonder where they get that from. Yes, Asher and Abigail, they’re young. Uh, I’m more of a seasoned parent is what I tell everyone. Delayed start. And that’s totally fine because I get the opportunity to just watch them grow and I’m growing through the process as well. Right. You’re never too old to learn. You’re never too seasoned to get a little bit more spice in your life. And I shine my light just doing those things. And of course, being an Army veteran, I get to live and breathe in that space on a regular basis. And I realize that that just adds so much value to my life. Just the opportunity to continue to serve, continue to give back, and then watch others find the ways that they shine. Their light has been like super powerful for me.

Trisha Stetzel: Yeah. Oh my gosh, I love that. And I’ve been able to witness this next journey you’ve been on. It has been so special. And by the way, while I was introducing you, I got goosebumps like three times when I was talking about you. So your energy is definitely pouring through today. That light that you shine. Um hardest question first.

Alecia Tolver: Okay.

Trisha Stetzel: You served for 20 years. Two decades in the Army. Number one, thank you for your service. Um, what was your own transition experience like when you took the uniform off for the last time?

Alecia Tolver: You know, I tell everyone it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I can’t, I think I had this, um, really rough expectation, but I had a soft landing. So I did the whole fellowship thing, uh, with hiring our heroes. They have an incredible program. So they kind of guided me through the whole process. I landed what I thought was my dream job as a fellow, and they brought me on full time. I did that role for two and a half years in the diversity, equity and inclusion space. But what I love most about that is I was forming relationships. I was having these types of conversations with our associates, just trying to uncover the challenges that they were having that maybe weren’t seen. And how can we make that work environment a lot better? And I had a VP that was just really passionate about this space. Um, he wants to, you know, create an environment where people can learn, grow, and be nurtured regardless of who they look like or what their color of their skin was, or women, men like, you know, all those things that kind of get in the way sometimes more so than help. And I think I, when I fell into that, I was like, oh my goodness, did y’all create this job just for me? Like, I feel so special. Uh, and I really got to just do something. I, I didn’t realize I loved, but I loved it. I loved the connections. I loved the opportunity to just watch people kind of transform, like go from a place of, I’m not sure where this is going to go to a place of, ah, that’s it.

Alecia Tolver: That’s the gap. Or that’s what I can do to make things better. And then it kind of the wave hit, right. I was no longer at the company and I felt like I lost something. And because I didn’t feel it the first round where I lost something from transition from the military to civilian side. I think it hit a little bit harder. I was being a mom again for the second time, and I was trying to navigate what that looks like, how do I operate my household and work a full time job remotely, by the way, which, you know, was like a learning experience for all of us because it was a time of Covid. And though I was working from home, it was like the sense that I was home. How do you get away from that? Like being home and working from home are two totally different things, and trying to get the family to understand that it was an uphill battle. I still don’t think we’re there, but we’re growing through it. But just having that experience, I realized that there were a lot of things that I didn’t address. I didn’t have a foundational reset. Um, and that’s what I worked so hard now to help others create from the jump. Right? Do it now before you need it. Because when it’s time that you need it hits, it’s going to hit different. And I don’t want you to go through what I went through. So just trying to help them navigate that space before they have to navigate the space. Um, is where we are right now.

Trisha Stetzel: Yeah. Okay. So what’s bubbling up for me here is the support that you had as you moved through this. I’m going to call it double transition. The first one felt easy. The second one was much harder. So how important is it to have the right support system or the right people in your room as you go through this process?

Alecia Tolver: And you know what? I didn’t even make that connection until the second time around when I didn’t have that. Right. So the first time I had my family and my spouse, like everyone were kind of going through this together. So I was bringing them along. And then I even had a coach. I had a therapist. Like, I can’t speak highly enough about those things. And I had a mentor, like all the things that I didn’t realize I needed, but somehow they landed where they were supposed to be the second round. I didn’t have those things in place, but I didn’t realize that right away. So once I was able to uncover some of that, I was able to get another mentor. And then even with Focal Point creating an ecosystem, the reason I joined Focal Point is because of that organizational structure. The structure you had, it was a blessing and you didn’t realize it at first, and now you don’t have it and you’re freaking out. And I think being able to navigate the space and just coming to realization, this is something that would be helpful. How do you put it into place so it works for you and not against you? And I miss the structure of the military, but I didn’t realize it because it was not. Things naturally fell into place until they did it. And when they don’t fall into place, that’s when you’re like, okay, what is missing here? And that’s when you do that full assessment, uh, to uncover what those things are and then put them in. So that’s what I did. Layer by layer. I was able to plug little things in that will help rebuild the ecosystem that I lost. Um, and now it’s like my guiding light, right? It’s the foundation that I’m able to replicate or encourage others to replicate to make things a little bit easier.

Trisha Stetzel: Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, uh, coming out of the military, we’re all leaders. We led something always, uh, and it’s not, it doesn’t always in our mind translate into leadership in civilian life. And oftentimes the type of leadership we give or have in the military is very different. So tell me more about how you’ve been able to translate that leadership experience into the civilian space spaces that you’ve been in, and why you think others really struggle to explain the value of that leadership experience.

Alecia Tolver: You know, I think, uh, it’s one of those things where you’ve been doing something for so long, it becomes inherent. It’s natural. You don’t realize the reps that it took to build that muscle, and you just float through life like, oh, this is easy. But someone in spending like hours trying to learn just a little bit of what you’re bringing to the table. And I’m having that conversation a lot, right? Okay. As I hear you talk, as I hear you speak, I’m uncovering all of these things. Did you realize that you brought that to the table? And as I’m turning that mirror around on other people. Hello? That mirror is right there for me as well. So it’s just going through the different spaces. We have a visitor. Sorry. No.

Trisha Stetzel: Never apologize. It’s real life, my friend.

Alecia Tolver: Right? I love it. So as I go through that, just helping others uncover their own challenges. I’m. I’m uncovering some of those things myself. Yes. You are a leader. You didn’t go to the military and learn how to be a leader. Just like I didn’t join the military to learn how to serve. I was born to serve. Right. So it’s just getting through those different challenges internally first so you can help others uncover them. And as I’m coaching, I’m being coached in real time. And it’s like, who would have thought, right? So leadership is unfolding because I think it’s already in there. And when you help someone just see that light or on turn that mirror around is when it fully becomes reality for them. I think just like it is.

Trisha Stetzel: Absolutely. What’s what’s the biggest thing you’ve discovered about yourself as you started this coaching journey, and you’re bringing other people through the same journey that you went through.

Alecia Tolver: You know, you come in with a little bit of hesitation, a little bit of uncertainty. And I think that’s common for anyone going through any transition. And I think that’s that was it. Are you sure? What are you doing over here? Coaching someone? Girl, you’re still learning yourself. And I. And I think that was it. It was learning that you don’t have to have all the answers because they will uncover themselves when they’re supposed to. And that growth for me has been a huge shift. You don’t have to have all the answers and you already have what you need within you. You just have to have the conversations and you’ll be shocked and surprised what comes from those. So keep having them.

Trisha Stetzel: Oh, I love that. All right. Tell me about the work that you’re doing as a focal point coach and who you’re working with.

Alecia Tolver: So of course my demographic still remains the military every once in a while, someone who’s not necessarily military, uh, sneaks in there, but it’s because they’re connected to the military somehow, some way they want to give back. And sometimes people think they’re coming to serve me and they end up being served, which has been like, wowzer. How does that happen? But I’ve been I’ve been leaning more into this transition space because I want to remind us, remind our community what they bring to the table. It’s not less than. It’s not starting over. It’s just figuring out where do you plug it in to make it most effective? Um, their new employer may not know how to do that. So learn how to lead and navigate yourself so you can help them do that. And I think when you do that everyone wins. Mhm.

Trisha Stetzel: Everything that you say is so profound. I our time is going to go by way too fast. I can already feel it. So I know that there are some listeners who already want to connect with you or learn more about you, or have a conversation with you. What is the best way for them to connect with you? Alecia.

Alecia Tolver: I love emails. I know sometimes it becomes a lot, but I feel like that’s where I’m able to have that personal connection and give that hug that maybe you need. And believe it or not, sometimes people email me and it’s almost like they want the answers in the email. And I’m like, let’s have the conversation. And then we can uncover all of these things that we’re dealing with one at a time, because that’s just it. You’re taking on too much and we need to uncover what the best, the next best step is for you. Uh, so here, jump on my calendar and it’s just easy for me to share my calendar link through email. So at over at Focalpoint coaching.com is probably the best, but I’m also equally on LinkedIn. So you come on LinkedIn, you won’t get ignored there either. And besides, I have some pretty decent content. So come check me out on LinkedIn. Anyways.

Trisha Stetzel: She’s got more than just decent content. Y’all need to find her on LinkedIn and send her an email because she will give you a virtual hug. I know because I’ve had 1 or 2 for sure. Uh, and Alecia is spelled A LECIATOLVER, and it’s A Tovar Tovar at focalpoint coaching.com. For that virtual hug via email. All right. I want to take us just a little bit deeper. Uh, one of the things that I pick up on in the journey that I’ve been on with you is, um, you often talk about the gap between feeling overlooked and becoming undeniable. What does that transformation look like? What does it mean? And then what does that transformation look like?

Alecia Tolver: You know, it’s kind of in the same space. I think you’re, um, navigating yourself, Trisha, where it’s not bragging, it’s not humble bragging, but people don’t always know what you’re doing. And in order for them to know it, someone has to tell them, guess what? You’re the one doing it. You have to tell them. And I didn’t know how to do that initially. I’m learning how to do that better. So I’m having those conversations and I’m saying, hey, we had this conversation and these were the results of that. Can that be helpful to you? And whether I do it through a story on LinkedIn or I do it through a post, sometimes it feels very random, but it’s because I’ve had that experience and I’m trying to, uh, pass it off to someone else, like before you get here or when you get here, maybe this will be helpful.

Speaker 4: What are, what.

Trisha Stetzel: Are some of the tools or even just an example of how you get that mindset shift? How do you help people through or guide them through that mindset shift from, I used to do this and I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing, and I had a mission to now I have to do everything myself. How, how does that work in the space that are the people that you’re working with.

Alecia Tolver: So I tell you, it is it is definitely a journey. Uh, just getting someone from I used to do this. I was also dependent on this. Like when you think about just even military transition, you are in an ecosystem where you’re told when to eat, what to do, when to do it, what uniform to wear, what, uh, location to be at, what time to be there. Like everything is prescriptive. You don’t have to think through any of that. Now you have to build your own journey. You have to kind of create your own experience. What does that look like? Use that as a guiding light, not a hindrance to do that next thing, right? So I tell people I use airborne school for me as a barometer all the time. There’s no way in my right mind I want to jump out of a perfectly good plane. You told me I didn’t have to do this thing. And now you’re telling me like you have to, bro. Okay, stop. Let’s take a breath. How can I get out of this was my first instinct. Right? Okay. I can’t get out of it now.

Alecia Tolver: I just gotta show up. I’ll do my best. And guess what? If it doesn’t work out? It wasn’t meant to be. And I think just having that where I’m not putting too much pressure on myself is the way I’m going through each of these things so I can teach it. And as I go through those barometer checks with the different circumstances I’m coming up with, I want to run a workshop. Oh my goodness, is it going to be perfect? Is it going to be just right? And all those, uh, stickler and perfectionism starts coming out and I’m saying, okay, Alecia, stop. Take a breath. What’s the worst thing that can happen here? No one gets anything from the workshop. Fine. Someone gets something for the workshop. Best case, best circumstance. Right? So don’t make up your own stories, go through it, do it, and see what unfolds. And guess what? You’ll be surprised of how things turn out when you don’t put yourself in the way of that success. So that’s been, as I learned, I’m teaching and that’s been the best part of that journey.

Speaker 4: That’s amazing.

Trisha Stetzel: And I think we had this conversation before we started recording today. Wink wink.

Speaker 4: We did, we did, we did out of our own way. Um, I.

Trisha Stetzel: Like to bring in the military spouses because they often experience the, the same ups and downs and sideways of transition alongside of their service members. So how does your work support the military spouse as well?

Alecia Tolver: And I think that’s also another space where we think we’re more different than we are alike. I’m able to bring in the military spouse, I think, a little bit easier because I am also the military spouse. I have also been the military spouse. So whenever I go away to something, I have to build an operation system at home to make sure things stay the way they were built to stay. Right? Yeah. Because believe it or not, some of those things aren’t intuitive to our partners. So they may need a little bit of help. And that’s just for these military spouses do on a regular basis. They’re the foundation. They’re the ones that are keeping things grounded. And, you know, um, minimizing the stress that maybe their younger family members are dealing with. And I think just sometimes having a conversation, how did you do it? What are some of the things that I can take away from this? You’re not alone. Um, just being in a space where we can share our stories, share our connections. We realize that this was a a sisterhood that I needed. And we’re not as different as we thought we were.

Speaker 4: Mhm.

Trisha Stetzel: Um, again, more profoundness coming from you.

Speaker 4: All right.

Trisha Stetzel: Uh, maybe an maybe an easy question. Maybe not. How do you get it all done? Look, you’re you’ve you’re you’re working from home. You’re an entrepreneur, you volunteer, you mentor. You have beautiful girls at home. You’ve been in the military. You’ve been a military spouse. How do you how do you balance everything? Alecia.

Alecia Tolver: Well, I don’t there’s sometimes I don’t get it right. And what I do is hit the reset. What on this list didn’t happen today. That needs to happen tomorrow. And if it doesn’t, guess what? Sometimes I accidentally forget about it. Um, so I don’t force myself to do more than I can. And that is a growing space for me because I don’t know, somehow it used to all happen and I can’t go back to figuring out when it did. But I realized also I’m wearing way more hats than I have in the past, and I’m doing way more than I used to. And he had two children at home, a son and a daughter. That adds a little bit of bonus challenge to that, but I think when I plan things around them, the things that matter. Everything else kind of falls into place. I don’t want to get away from that again. I’ve done at the cost of them. And yes, I don’t always get it right. Some days they’re home from school and I’m still on a Zoom call or even days like this. They want me all of their all of my attention. But I’m on another call. So I try not to do it at the cost of them. And when that part works out, everything else seems to work out. So figuring out what matters the most first and then building around that is what I found to be most helpful. And I calendar everything on a calendar like I have to. I live and die by my calendar.

Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, I do too.

Trisha Stetzel: And when your son is old enough to listen back to this show, he will hear my apology for saying two girls.

Speaker 4: Because we all make mistakes.

Alecia Tolver: Of course. Of course, I probably didn’t explain it very well in the beginning either.

Speaker 4: So it is. It is.

Trisha Stetzel: Absolutely okay. And I love that you said you’re not doing it all. Do you think that that comes with maturity, the ability to say no to things.

Speaker 4: That.

Alecia Tolver: I think it does? I think it is maturity. It is growth. Um, but it’s also, I think getting to know you like, what is my capacity? It’s so important that we learn that early, as early as we can. Like how much can I realistically do without dropping everything? And then also being compassionate and graceful to yourself, like grace has been probably the word of the decade for me because I didn’t always offer it to myself. I always had these high expectations of getting it all done, getting it all perfect and not letting anyone down. I think if I let myself down, that’s one thing. But when I let other people down, that hits differently. And now I’ve shifted that. None of us should be let down. So take on what you can handle and then the rest. Whatever needs to be done, it’ll get done. Stop stressing. It’s not that serious.

Speaker 4: It’s not that serious. It’s not.

Trisha Stetzel: I’ve witnessed some of your coaching and it’s not just about the transition. It’s not just about the business. It’s not just about. Financials. You bring something very holistic to your coaching practice. And what I’m specifically talking about is you opened a session with box breathing. And I think that that is amazing. So I’d love for you to talk just a little bit about the things that you’re bringing into your coaching, that may be just a little different than what people think coaching is.

Alecia Tolver: Oh, that’s a good one. Um, because as I go through different conversations or different phases in my practice, things are evolving. Uh, and that’s just it. I realized that for me, and even when I tell people you’re getting ready to go on an interview, find out whatever that centering is that you do. And I tell people my secrets, right? So I do everything myself and I have different strategies when it comes to breathing. It just depends on how I’m showing up. Am I really like anxious and just full of energy? I do, I used to do push ups. I don’t do those much anymore, but something to release that energy. Right? And then also just, I believe in that superwoman pose or I people call it superhero pose, but it’s a superwoman pose for me. I stand in the mirror and I affirm that I know what I’m doing. And then when I come into these conversations, I can kind of feel before we even get started where people are. And that’s when I said, okay, we definitely need a pause. So whether it’s prayer or it’s some mindful breathing, and I’ve also adapted PK because I’m adapting PK into my daily routine now, positive intelligence has become a part of my strategy or part of the practice as well, because I didn’t realize the voices in our head, the toll they can take if we don’t, you know, get them under control.

Alecia Tolver: And control is probably not a good word because that’s one of the saboteurs, but it’s just getting them manageable so you can do what you need to do and continue to keep yourself uplifted. Because I realize that’s the biggest thing. When you put that doubt in yourself and you nurture that doubt, all it’s doing is making things worse. So how do we shift that? And I just tried to bring in whatever I think can shift it in real time. And what I love about the way I do it is people don’t even realize it’s happening. Like we’re having the conversations and I kind of insert it, whether it’s a natural pause where I’m thinking about a question, right? Or I’m thinking about a response. It’s just an easy way to pause for the cause, if you will. And that gives people an opportunity to take a deeper look at what they just said, and also maybe breathe a little bit. And because we practice it in the beginning, sometimes they do it and don’t realize, oh my goodness, I needed that deep breath. I needed that break. So yeah, I think a lot of things are kind of playing naturally. I don’t even have to even plan them in. I just introduce them and see where they go from there.

Trisha Stetzel: Because you’re bringing the light. I just love that you, you have a gift for so many things. And you’re going to have to come back because I want to know all your secrets about how you put together these summaries in poem. When you’ve gone to meetings, I know somebody’s going to be curious about that. So if you are, you need to reach out to Alecia so that you can get some insight into that. As we finish up today. I have one last question. I just want to make full circle here on your time and service and where you’re at today. What is the the one thing that really stands out for you that you learned in the military that you bring into your practice or your everyday life now?

Alecia Tolver: Oh, I think it’s probably the latter part of my military career. I had the opportunity to serve with a very unique group of people. And I think the care that we put into taking good care of each individual as they are, right? So no group coaching, no group dynamics. We don’t lead everyone the same way. And I think the opportunity to flex that, based on the need of that individual, has really created a space where I try to value people. I want to meet you where you are. It’s not about what I can give you or what I can offer you, but what can you offer and how can we uncover that? And because I’m showing you that I value you because you deserve to be right. We’re all children of God, and we’re all uniquely placed on this earth for a reason. And I want you to know that if you don’t know it after leaving our conversation, then I didn’t do something well, right? I didn’t I didn’t hit the mark. I want you to know that you are valuable, you are valued. And if you get it nowhere else, you get it by being with me. That is what I took from the military. Value people and value them regardless of where you are, wherever you meet them. And I think that can definitely change the game.

Trisha Stetzel: Serving after you’ve served all of this. It’s just beautiful. Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. This has been an amazing conversation and you’ve made my day today.

Alecia Tolver: Oh thank you Trisha. It was such a pleasure being with you. I always love being in your in your presence or being in your space. So yes, you have been a light for me as well. And I thank you for your service, uh, to focal point for your service to us. And I know that you value us whenever we have these conversations. And that means a lot.

Speaker 4: Thank you.

Trisha Stetzel: Thank you very much. Okay. One last time. How can people reach you if they want to connect?

Alecia Tolver: So email me at a sow a TOLV as in victor, e r at focal point coaching FOCALPOINTE, coaching coaching.com. I know that’s a mouthful, but you’ll get it with the show notes like Trisha said. And also reach out to me on LinkedIn. My name is spelled A LECIATTOLVER at LinkedIn, obviously.

Trisha Stetzel: Thank you so much. I appreciate you today.

Alecia Tolver: Thank you.

Trisha Stetzel: All right, you guys, that’s all the time we have for today. If you found value in this conversation that Alecia and I had, please share it with a fellow entrepreneur, veteran or Houston leader ready to grow. Be sure to follow, rate and review the show. Of course, it helps us reach more bold business minds just like yours and your business, your leadership and your legacy are built one intentional step at a time. So stay inspired, stay focused, and keep building the business and the life you deserve.