Betty’s Show Notes
I think most people in life have a potentially harmful habit of rehearsing their troubles. If you constantly rehearse your troubles, what does that mean? You’re thinking, you’re talking, you’re laying awake at night, and you’re playing something over and over in your mind. It often starts with a simple comment from someone around you, and it consumes you.
Join me as I discuss how I learned to go through my troubles when they occur rather than rehearsing them over and over in my mind.
“Inspiring Women” Podcast Series
“Inspiring Women” is THE podcast that advances women toward economic, social and political achievement. The show is hosted by Betty Collins, CPA, and presented by Brady Ware and Company. Brady Ware is committed to empowering women to go their distance in the workplace and at home. Past episodes of “Inspiring Women” can be found here.
Betty Collins: [00:00:00] So today I’m probably going to hit on a little bit of a nerve because I think most people in life. Men, women, old, young do this. It’s just a habit and it’s a habit that really can be harmful. So we’re going to talk about rehearsing your troubles or going through them when they occur. And instead of rehearsing them over and over you’re going to be prepared for them and do it just one time instead of a thousand in your mind.
[00:00:32] So you have a choice. You can rehearse those troubles and then you get to experience it again and again. Or you can be ready when they show up and they actually occur. You know people that do this. They have these great conversations mentally right and they even have probably a full cast of characters. They all have roles and there’s a theme and they have built up this big play and wow. And you get to have fun being around those people. Your reality is maybe you’re one of those people and you don’t even realize it and you’re having all this fun mentally right? At the end of the day it’s very self-destructive habit. It can have some very adverse side effects that you don’t want in your life.
[00:01:16] I want to talk a little bit about that today. Just to be sure you understand what I’m referring to, rehearsing your troubles. What does that mean? If you constantly have conversations. I mean you’re at your desk you’re you’re thinking you’re talking you’re laying awake at night and you’re playing something over and over and it consumes you. That’s what I’m talking about. And it could be you know it can be any kind of trouble.
[00:01:39] Trouble is is what you and what you feel is you know something that’s causing stress or chaos in your life for it’s a problem or whatever it is. And so we do rehearse things a lot in our mind and we don’t tell people we don’t communicate that correctly or we don’t effectively get to the issue. And it may be troubled that isn’t even there. Right. You may never experience it except in your mind.
[00:02:04] And it probably starts with some simple comment right from the people around you the people that matter the most are going to have some comment to you. Your peer your spouse your significant other. Or maybe a circumstance just doesn’t go well and it triggers something for you. And so you’re like wow that just pushed my button that that trigger just starts the rehearsal.
[00:02:27] So you play this out reliving and reliving in it and it’s not a matter of if or when it happens. It probably isn’t even close to the reality. And then you’ve had all this time and energy wasted on you know fill in the blank. Energy instead that could be put towards being prepared for facing the IT OR THE FILL IN THE BLANK. OK. If something triggers you or someone doesn’t have a filter or a comment played it over in your mind probably isn’t going to solve it. Sometimes you do need to rehearse when you’re ready to go in you know and you’re going to but that’s only if you’re really going to go in and face the issue and have a conversation.
[00:03:04] You’d be amazed at how many many little chats I have all day. I have these things that go on and on and on and you probably if you really said you don’t get to see if I do that you would be surprised if you started keeping score. How many times you having some conversation in your head and then you’ll find out too it’s probably I just had that conversation in my head. Know you probably think I’m crazy right now but this is something that really people are consumed in. And statistics shows you. I kind of read a little bit about this. Chances are if you’re having these conversations in your head they’re probably not very positive. They’re probably something that’s really more negative. That’s why they’re you know kind of in your head and just your little world.
[00:03:44] I want to talk about this because I had I had to conquer this habit in my life. I’ve seen it in all aspects of my life in relationships and with my kids and my spouse where I work my clients and connections. And it really does have consequences and it hold you back from the fulfillment of those relationships and success and goals and contentment. So for me I really had to learn the hard way and I learned actually from a 27 year old counselor that I went to when I was 40 and she had such wisdom about it and she really helped me train change my mindset. The first thing that’s that she really taught me was you got to be aware that you’re rehearsing. You got to realize Why am I even having this conversation? And you’ve got to learn to identify.
[00:04:33] And on top of that you’ve got to learn what triggers it. And then you’ve got to shut it down. Those are the steps. Identify it. Be aware of it. Learn the triggers, and shut it down. What consumes it? What trouble consumes you.? You’ve got to look what fuels that gas on the fire. Social media. Garbage in garbage out. News. Toxic people. Surrounding yourself with people without filters probably get gonna really really fuel that. Or you can say I’m going to put good in good out not like garbage in this water on fire by books and positive stories and podcasts and music and positive people or just pure silence. And I really had to work on this because I would just really really go into these things.
[00:05:18] When I was in counseling with this person. I was in a pretty bad place at that time in my life. She was from Russia and she really loved the United States she had this great accent. So we just had a synergy from the beginning. But as soon as she said Hi how are you man I just I would tell her I was that day and we went through all my troubles and circumstances.
[00:05:39] The first couple of sessions you know she listened pretty well and then I was really caught off guard one day when she goes Hey hold on. And I said Yeah. And she said Did he really say this or is this just your perspective and I was like Well she wasn’t. Did he say it. Well no no. But I guess he didn’t. So is this real or is this your perception. And I was like I mean I’m 40 she’s 27 she’s totally put me in my place I’m like wow. But it took me a while to realize I did that a lot and it started with these conversations in my head right. And then I did start start going wow I’ve got a I’ve got to really stop this.
[00:06:24] She always challenged me to think what’s real and what’s perspective and then what really happened and then process right and then deal with it and your chances are you’re not going to deal with anything that’s bigger than than you just created it to be. So again you’ve got to be aware you’re rehearsing. Identify learn triggers and shut it down. But then you really have to go. Is this real. Did this really happen or is this just your perspective or this is your reaction right. She really taught me when I would be rehearsing internally and playing this over and then I would come and just you know of course tell her the whole thing.
[00:07:00] I realized these things weren’t happening. They were they were my responses to glances. They were my responses to the circumstances that maybe I just didn’t like.
[00:07:10] The third step is change the way, then you just deal with the trouble instead of all the conversations and all this stuff that you you play up to. And once you do that this habit will become something that is not a barrier to you any longer. You get a lot more sleep at night. You might have better relationships and you might learn to communicate instead of blow up. So how did I quit rehearsing with all these things how did I how did I stop it. So I just am doing with trouble and stress when it’s occurring and believe me it’s easier said than done.
[00:07:42] As I’ve just talked about I made a very conscious effort to identify that trigger in the rehearsal. And this is something I learned to do and you can laugh at me and you can you can just think I’m crazy but I would suggest to you in the privacy of your home that you look in the mirror and say your conversation out loud because you’re either going to go. This is true and you’re going to cry or you’re going to laugh at yourself hearing yourself and looking at yourself saying this.
[00:08:12] She had me do that a couple of times that I realized oh my gosh it just made me think differently. And over time I started having a lot less conversations and rehearsing of things that that I was really in a lot of ways making up.
[00:08:27] Another thing that I did during that time and I still do it. I journal. My life has had its ups and downs and challenges like everyone. It’s an effective tool. I would just tell you when that season of your life is over burn the book OK. Burn the journal. I really did do that honestly because I had gone through some pretty rocky things and man when I looked back at what I had written and had these conversations that got on paper at least I was like wow I can’t even think of the energy it took to think this stuff up let alone write it. And then I said let’s burn it and be done. Very very good therapy. There were times in life though when you have these things where they consume you and your troubles just get you. You got to go to. You’ve got to find a mentor counselor it’s OK.
[00:09:14] There books are everywhere on the subject matter. I was amazed when I Googled this subject matter what I found. So it must be a huge problem there’s a tremendous amount of information out there to help you start thinking different ways. But you really have to stop the following. When rehearsing stopped a lot in my mind where I just played this out was I realize I have to stop some toxic relationships and cannot be around people who don’t have an ability to filter. No one or circumstances worth robbing me of my peace of mind you know because that’s what that’s what they were taking.
[00:09:48] And instead I took energy when something did trigger me or someone didn’t filter that day I thought I’m going to be prepared when they when they can’t filter because you’re always gonna be around people that can’t filter you’re always gonna be around situations. And I learned to know let’s just deal with this in let’s make it simple. Believe me it’s a lifetime. It doesn’t just stop but preparation for it facing troubles and doing it head on without just you know I’m going have crucial conversations OK. Those might be part of the play but it’s a lifetime and it takes in some. Some of it depends on the on what the problem is and how big it is will depend on the strategy that you use which could be an entire podcast. But you still have to have some way of intentionally facing the issue besides the conversation in your head.
[00:10:36] But things that I have done when I get to that point where I’m seeing the consuming calm you know those things just get me all the time. I get away. I step back. I’m busy all the time. I will never have a day that isn’t full of something but sometimes when that consuming rehearsing is going on I just have to step back and step away.
[00:10:55] And I have to kind of get and look from the outside in the situation to get my perspective. Also what I do when I see myself getting to this point is I look in the past trouble that I’ve had in my life and I look at what did work and what didn’t. I’m not gonna repeat what didn’t work because it will probably have the same results. I learned to realize I need to look at other people that have you know they have some control on their life and they seem like they’re pretty level headed. By the way there’s very few of those out there and probably if you ask how they’re really doing and you get in there you’ll find out that you’re they’re experiencing the same thing you do. Tapping into their wisdom was something that was really things that helped me. And then there are just those times when you can’t get what you’re thinking about and consumed about you can’t get it out. So you’ve got to draw that line in the sand and say you know what we’re going to deal with this and sometimes that’s just comes in cycles and ebbs and flows. And then get a perspective on your trouble. Just ask someone how their day is and see what’s going on in their life and sometimes this little trouble thing you’re dealing with that’s consuming you will seem like nothing.
[00:12:02] And I think really the last thing that women don’t do well is we balance a lot in our lives and we have a lot of relationships in our lives. We have a lot of things that trigger these conversations because it’s very very much a habit of women in today. We don’t take the time for self care. Self care is OK. And when you don’t you can’t just rest and relax and sit back. You may not ever stop having all this stuff go on in your life. So it’s OK for self care. I’m a big spa person. I could go to the spa every week without hesitation but I don’t do that. But what I really do is I look at it. Well we all have to look at some point as some type of spiritual emotional mental physical and take care of those things and then you take care life because you can. You have the ability and that way you can face your fear and embrace with confidence in who you are. And then that again that’s another whole podcast. So trouble stress chaos those things. The situations that you’re rehearsing in your mind over and over. Learn to stop doing that and become consumed instead to prepare for them and be ready to face them when they actually occur. It’s your choice and I hope you make the right one.