Chat with AP

Stonewalling: Intentional Emotional Absence

Play Episode Pause Episode

Mute/Unmute Episode Rewind 10 Seconds 1x Fast Forward 30 seconds

00:00 /

RSS Feed

Share

Link

Embed

Stonewalling isn’t always obvious.

It doesn’t always show up as literal silence in the way people might expect.

It can be loud, sometimes its passive and other times- CHAOTIC. Often, people dissolve entirely.

Healthy conflict resolution wasn’t something I was exposed to until my mid 20’s. I grew up in an environment where conflict didn’t get resolved. It escalated, and then it disappeared- a.k.a. swept under the rug.

Conversations would shut down, and sometimes so would the relationship… for days, weeks, even years.

There was no framework for repair. No model for resolution… OR the space to share individual feelings. A perpetual cycle of reaction and withdrawal.

We are products of our environments- TO AN EXTENT. So, you don’t question it- you adapt.

You learn to read the room. You learn the power of science. You learn how to keep the peace, even if it costs you your voice.

For a long time, I believed that was normal.

That relationships required that kind of navigation.

That connection could come and go depending on how well you managed the moment.

It took years of intentional work for me to understand that healthy relationships don’t operate like that. Healthy relationships don’t disappear when things get uncomfortable. They don’t rely on distance as a response to tension. And they don’t require you to become smaller just to stay connected.

What I’ve come to understand is this:

You can love someone deeply and still unable to have a healthy relationship with them.

You are not responsible for managing someone else’s emotions- you never were.

Boundaries & tools are essential for respect and partnership success. That realization changes everything.

To recognize that someone may have never been shown a different way… and also accept that they may never choose to learn one. It requires you to hold compassion and honesty at the same time.

This inner work might sting– like tingle tanning lotion in a 12-minute bed….

BUT, my friends, Connection DOES NOT = COMPLIANCE

At the end of the day, relationships are not one-sided efforts.

Bring awareness. Bring patience and be intentional. Know that we are only half of the relationship equation- we can only bring your 50 percent. The other 50 percent has to be met.

If it isn’t, you’re left with a decision.

Do I continue trying to earn connection… or do I live in a way that reflects what I now understand? That’s not an easy place to land.

EQ is real folks. When you choose a different way of operating, you don’t just gain perspective. You also experience loss. Not necessarily the loss of a person… but the loss of what you hoped the relationship could be.

I think that is something we don’t talk about enough.

Here’s what I believe.

Christ is KING and he is a GOD of RESTORATION! He will restore all that has been taken and lost, have FAITH in that my fine feathered friends (<-who can tell me where that came from?)

AP closing thoughts:

Clear communication is care. Avoidance does not protect relationships. It slowly erodes them and time is not a renewable resource.

If you were never shown how to navigate conflict in a healthy way, that is not your fault.

It is OUR responsibility to learn a different way, especially now- at our age.

So… pay attention, become aware of how you show up, make intentional changes that reflect the life you want to live.

Because guess what?……… IT IS POSSIBLE! <3

You can break patterns that have existed for generations.

You can choose relationships that don’t require you to shrink or be un-YOU.

You can live in a way that is aligned, steady, honest, and with a regulated nervous system! (Thanks Dr. Kathrine <3)

If you’ve been carrying the weight of someone else’s mood or behavior, trying to make sense of it, trying to fix it, trying to earn your way back into connection… Let this be the moment you set that down, like a backpack fulllll of college books (they had books when I was in college, yes lol)- Time to feel some relief.

You were never meant to live inside someone else’s emotional limitations and are not responsible for their reactions.

You are not responsible for their silence.

Keeping a relationship alive on your own is not sustainable- doesn’t it take 2 to Tango, or Samba or however the saying goes..

No amount of patience, awareness, or effort will ever make up for the absence of participation on the other side.

So STOP blaming yourself, questioning yourself, or bending yourself to keep the peace… Take responsibility for your part. Be sympathetic to what might be going on in the other persons world (we are all human after all). But STOPPPPPPP!

You are not responsible for someone else’s unwillingness to meet you and you do not have to live your life at the mercy of it.

You can love someone and still choose not to live within the confines of how they operate.

It is not selfishness- its liberation.

At some point, you have to decide that your life will no longer be dictated by someone else’s emotional patterns (regulation is cool, forreal).

And when you do… you finallllly do… You don’t just change your relationships…

You reclaim yourself.

<3 Love you all beautiful people, AP

>>> Connect with me at amandapearch.com

“As you keep walking forward on Gods paths, all your stumbling ways will be divinely healed.” Hebrews 12:13

>>> Connect with me at amandapearch.com